By Janet Vargas - Owner Of This Website
I met someone in a Store today whose parents neglected her from 2 years of age. A lovely lady 80 years old, who was happy to show me where to find an item, and we shared an interesting conversation. She was sharing some interests she's had like Scuber Diving etc and Crafts. Not everyone who has experienced Emotional Neglect manages to make a good life for themselves, but she did say that "her Arts & Crafts are her Life". She has not felt comfortable about relationships. I know someone personally who has experienced Emotional Neglect during his upbringing and he has had to teach himself how to express feelings and interpret others feelings. Jesus helped him with that in his 30's.
So damage from Parental Neglect is a serious thing and can last Many Years! I wrote part of this article two years ago but am bringing it forward to help more Parents and Kids. It is necessary Today more than ever in this "Busy, Busy Generation" and with so many problems crowding Parents minds half the time, they may have no idea how even that can affect the hearts and minds of their Little Kids and Teenagers.
Sometimes Parents who have Neglected You have had Parents who have Neglected Them. This can even run two generations deep these days. Three in total.
A few years ago, I met a wonderful mother of 4 children in her 30's who adopted a dear litle 3 year old boy who was so poorly treated by his young Mother, her family had to have unfailing patience with his outbursts and upsets until he calmed down each time, so he could adapt to a loving environment.
A lot of Parents would not have a clue what is responsible for their child's outbreaks - sometimes it is due to poor training, sometimes it is due to a lack of love and attention shown in them etc. It just goes to show how it is possible to take a healthy little baby, toddler or child and make them into a very upset child if we do not practice due Care that emotionally sustains them. We all need this!
Some kids are experiencing "Emotional Malnutrition" when their Parents are so Stressed Out; Preoccupied with Work or Social Engagements; Materialistic; ILL Health; Overwhelming Debts; Full of Themselves or even Each-Other OR Too Young and Ignorant.
If someone has a Narcissistic Parent (who loves themselves and is continually engaged in their own interests) most times, you can be sure they were brought up by Parents who Emotionally Neglected them or treated them Badly. It's more often Neglect - and that explains the Grandiose behavior that many of those people have, an exaggerated need for attention - it's way out of balance.
Believe it or not, TV Mobiles and Computers have a Lot to do with Breakdown of Communications in the Family, not to be underestimated. Please Practice CARE and Use Wisely.
Children and Teenagers can interpret Excessive Screen Time and/or Addiction to TV and/or Computers, Mobile as "Mum and Dad don't Care"
And let me ask you this, are excessive Phone Calls, Texts and Social Media more important than these Dear Precious Lives you have in your House?
Come on Now - Make it a Home.
Also, there is this to consider, Our Children's Emotional Development is as important as their Physical Development. Either can be undeveloped, due to inadequate CARE.
So many people want their Kids to be Brainy and get good grades at school etc. It has now been discovered that Emotional Intelligence is more important than Mental Intelligence and to work on that with our Children and Grandchildren.
This means that the more Love and Affection, Moments of Undivided Attention you can give a Child the better. Listening to Them when they wish to speak with you, and Showing Interest in them, Spending some Precious Time with them (not everything else). Try to learn and practice Bonding with your Kids. It's really Good!
CAN I SAY THESE THINGS?
It is my belief that a couple really needs to be Ready and Equipped to have Children, not just financially but Emotionally Mature and have a sense of Good Values to bring a Child up with - especially in these times, more than ever. We need to consider in advance how much do we have to Offer a Child and stay true to that Commitment throughout their upbringing. Not "it would be nice to have a baby"...........extra income, whatever. Can you handle the various commitments having a Child entails, not just a Baby (a cute little bundle of love) because usually speaking, each of them Live for a Lifetime. That's a very long time to live with whatever thoughts and feelings we Instill, Evoke or Suppress in them. Truly it is. So please be adequately prepared, and if you're not - work on it first: any insecurity issues, fluctuating mood levels, emotional imbalances, ability to calmly and wisely work things out are as important as a babies room and good nutrition that some couples arrange.
This will benefit you as well - you will be glad you did. Work at Wholeness, the more Wholeness we can give a Child, the stronger and resilient they become. I even heard many years ago that if we Laugh with our Child/Children often, they grow up with Better Cope in life.
SOME INSIGHTS ON PARENTS AND CHILDREN
Some months before finding Jesus, when I was with my baby Son in a Store one day, many years ago, noticing a young Mother treating her toddler awfully, I exclaimed audibly to her "You don't deserve to have children!"
My baby was comfortable in a stroller and her toddler was made to walk everywhere who was far too little for that and should have been in a stroller too. He was distressed and she was angry with him.
That was very bad. So I am not condoning parents wrong behavior in any way when you read the following but sharing a few insights about Poorly Behaved Parents that may help some of my Readers. I've only ever had one child but these things have been evident to me through the years.
Jesus gives me perception and insights on different things, even with types of people and situations I haven't known personally sometimes - especially when I write. He guides me what to say quite often for someone's benefit and I like to write as if I am speaking to you (wherever it is relevant) Is that OK?
I really feel that many of you need to know where your parents were coming from when you were little. Much damage in a child's life can be easily overlooked from day to day or time to time when parents cope poorly; they're not sufficiently developed emotionally; ill equipped or they are just plain immature, hey?
Even lots of stress can make people do strange things, we hear - sadly it often affects Parents too. It shouldn't but it does often. Those children are mystified when their parents say they love them but they lose their temper or say something really hurtful. A spouse may be conditioned for that, a child is not, and this is puzzling to their little hearts and minds. Sometimes they carry those things for a very long time and don't think to ask you questions or tell you. So I am speaking for them.
If you were unnoticed or unappreciated as a child, that would account for feeling that way when you grow up and maybe that your wishes, opinions or interests are of less importance to others or even within yourself. And this can also be considered: Some Mothers feel Overwhelmed or flustered by little kids when they're easily upset much of the time (they will switch off and ignore them - this can even include something which is really important to that child, it goes unregistered).
With demanding children, they will sometimes be ruthless because they don't know how to manage such behavior - sometimes they get exasperated. Parenting comes too early with some - they're just not ready. And that's another reason why I don't approve of Government Incentive Schemes!
These Parents can be quite severe in order to Cope. Over time their nature can even take on this characteristic, so even when the Child grows out of that temporary phase, she is not very nice to know - her manner is a bit harsh. Dads can switch off after a busy day's work and become disengaged or crack the whip (so to speak) wanting silence. Then they may hide themselves in a TV Program to wind down. Some Dads show real disinterest in their kids, and others not much. They may be excessively engaged in Work, Sports or Other that takes up far too much attention to the expense of their FAMILY, and that just isn't fair!
They should be living a Bachelor's Life, if that's what they want, because that's what they are virtually doing.
Some of you need to learn how to apologise to your Child/Children and live consistently with that. There are so many Children and Grown-Up Children whose Parents have never thought to Apologise to them. Can you imagine that?
Be it a Mum or Dad or Both, those things can be very damaging. Their children can grow up with real problems communicating and insecurity issues; lacking a sense of direction and principles to live by. They can grow up frustrated or lost in the world around them. Maybe they get mixed up in the wrong group because they seem to be taking an interest in them. Some find it difficult to fit in, so they become loners - they don't find much to do because parental disinterest has stayed with them as some kind of carry-over from their upbringing and has never been addressed.
If that is/was you, I really Feel for You.
I have stayed up well pass Midnight to address these matters, after a Very Nice Day Because I Care!
FOR CARING PEOPLE and PARENTS
Some of these kids jump at the first lot of company (acceptance) they can find without discretion or caution. Sometimes they feel needed and this brings a sense of acceptance. So don't pick on their way of life or the company they got into - they feel very strongly about that. And often they feel understood by others with a similar background. They're hungry for love deep down and long to feel valued - so Mateship is the next best thing to them, it gives them a sense of belonging.
So unless you can make them a better offer and maybe that's too late, because they feel accepted - it's "Count me In" for them - they've found Identity after not having any with their Parents…………."don't pick on my Friends" is their reaction deep down. It's a better deal than they had when they were growing up.
Looking at the company they found for themselves is a Good Picture to them (totally different to your picture of things) and the one who takes the most notice of them has their respect and gratitude (having regard for their wishes and what is important to them) for reasons understood. It's like you are asking them to break that Bond of Trust and affection they have developed, for something questionable to them. So I would not question or pick on their choice of company if you are trying to get somewhere with these young people - you will not get a good reception.
Instead, I would be Supportive of the young person deep down with their needs unmet as a Child, just accept them as they are, show you are there for them, with Unconditional Respect, having regard for their wishes and what is important to them.
This doesn't mean that you have to approve of their company and activities but you accept their PERSON rather than looking down on their affiliations. Because so often, that IS where a Young Person found Acceptance AND Someone who First took Notice of Them. Don't try to compete with that because you will be perceived as attacking them. No, you will not Win their Favor that way - you will lose their trust instantly. Because they have developed Trust in that Peer - maybe a bond of affection lacking from their parents - you're just a New Comer.
IF YOU'RE THAT PARENT and YOU HAVE FOUND JESUS
Maybe you're that Parent and you have found Jesus - it will take time for them to recognise the Change in You can be trusted and it's there to stay!
Pictures from upbringing are strong - it takes time to build Trust, to replace that picture with the New One, even though they can see your manner is different.
You're going to Need to PRAY More than you Speak. Apart from expressing Repentance (change of heart) to that Child like my Dad did with us - Story HERE
I would say very little, listen to them and take interest in them. Let them adjust to what they See in you, not so much what they hear. Reconciliation Takes Time. Some may respond immediately to that New Found Love in you, many don't, it will take Time to Win their Favour. Once again, do not compete - respect their wishes, be there for them, be consistent.
Many times, the person they trust (the most) is their Hero in place of the Father they missed out on. Regardless of the age of that person - they've found something in them they did not have as a Child - the person they look up to. If you reject their Peer, you are rejecting them. Their Comfort Zone, so to speak. They will not thank you for that.
This calls for the LOVE of JESUS I know - you will not be able to show this kind of Love in your own strength - and they will want to See how Genuine your Love is. Be Patient and Wait, it's a Process. It may be a case of "Hide and Seek"……..they HIDE their Feelings and you SEEK Jesus in Prayer. And as you continue to do so faithfully, things can gradually move under the surface with their feelings. Allow them that privacy.
Sometimes a few assuring words can agree with them - not too many because if you're verbal with them it can be perceived as pressure. "I've found my way in life, where were you?" They may even say "What have you got yourself mixed up in?" OR they're thinking "What's all these words about, what does he/she want from me?"…………"There it is, he/she wants me to change my lifestyle" ……Remember, over time we Lose their Trust (past tense) over time we Gain their Trust (present tense).
Occasionally a young person may say to themselves like I did when my Brother found Jesus "It's OK for him but that's not for me" and respect you for it because they can see it doing something for you. That will not be an invitation to impose. My dad wanted to hug and hug me after years of separation from me of his making (he was conveying something unspoken or wanted to continue from where he left off). I really didn't know where he where he was coming from or how to handle that (many years before he found Jesus).
Let them learn it's Safe to Trust - take your time and be Consistent.
I can tell you this, a Real JESUS in your life will appeal to some (when they can see what He's Really About in your heart and life) but Not a Religious or Churchy Jesus!
Be careful of showing Excitement - they won't know what to make of that.
If they can See the LOVE, the WISDOM and RESPONSE on a sustained basis (only Jesus can give you that) these will mean more than anything else.
Remember to SEEK and PRAY……..Ask Jesus to show up in tangible ways to them…….Blessings from God.
They need to see "CHRIST in YOU…..the HOPE of Glory"……..This way, in time, He can Become Their Story too! Hey?
Find Two Other Posts On This Important Topic
Healing From Neglect As A Child: Find Keys – This Will Make A Difference!
Uninvolved Or Neglectful Parenting: Examples and Effects