By Janet Vargas - Owner Of This Website
Was there some way you felt unnoticed in your upbringing? Some of us experienced that with Teachers, an Aunty and Uncle, a big Brother or Sister but others have had rough beginnings with their Parents - believe it or not - who took very little notice of them and did not show much affection. This is something I've felt very passionate about since the 80's.
If you were neglected in some way as a child - unnoticed or lacking affection - I really feel for you because I experienced a sudden change at a young age of a different but similar nature, that left me decidedly empty and unfulfilled. Parents, please give each child your best in life. You may not have much else to give them materially speaking but please give them the "Best of You!" Lots of hugs, some undivided interest each day and some laughter in the Home are the Best Gifts and Start in Life you can give them - other things are not so important.
You need to apologise to your kids and change your ways if you don't. Our upbringing can be so important to us even into elderly years. You need to remember that. And if you weren't treated well when you were young, you have the wonderful opportunity to have a better and closer-knit Family yourselves.
Shall I share my story before this article I have written? I found an Article on this topic this morning on the Internet, and although I had a fun day planned - this struck chords of heart-felt compassion in my heart, so I thought I'd write instead. (last year)
There I was, my Dad's favorite girl and suddenly, I was not important to him anymore - when he divorced my Mum, it was like he divorced me. I didn't see him for some time, and then he called by the workshop one day to pick up something, with a strange lady in the car and two other children, paying them lots of attention and me very little, then left.
Several months later, he returned for a short time and left again for a different lady, we shifted to a different area (at the delicate age of 12.5 Years) and my brother left Mum with myself and a small baby, to live in New Zealand. Just up and away he went without much notice. My Mum and my baby Sister were inseparable as you can imagine.
Not realising what she was doing (after two separations and my brother leaving so suddenly) she was in need of healing - she hid herself in the life of my baby sister at that time. She was like a "haven of refuge" for my Mum, because I could not respond well to her after those events - emotionally confused. The bond between my Mum and sister grew very close through her early upbringing and always has been that way. She was Mum's Comfort Gift from God.
Mum and I weren't close until 6.5 Years later when I had my Son and I wrapped my life in him. Looking back at the years between, I think I must have felt emotionally deprived - I'm not sure. I do remember feeling unnoticed sometimes when they did things together. Needless to say, I was pretty empty in my teen years and quite disturbed. Because I tended to push Mum away from me for some reason......she forgot to pour her life into me as well and to instill those things into me that every young person needs.....principles for living etc.
My Mum was brought up in a Boarding House run by her Mum with five kids as a widow with 14 boarders - very busy in those days with not much time to show affection. So my Mum wasn't used to expressing her affections (from the way she was brought up). I could have misinterpreted a seeming lack of affection if I did think about it - all mums hug their babies, most at-least.
A few years after my Son, I was living in Jesus and I felt to show a special interest in my Mum - she warmed to this like candy and felt loved by her older daughter then (myself) and we developed a special bond. We have always been close since that time. It was Jesus who taught me how to love and restored my affectionate nature. A baby certainly helps. My Mum and my Sister are together with Jesus now 3.5 and 4 Years now in that blessed Home Land and there's just the two of us now.
My Dad basically reaped what he sowed with someone he later married - she left him for someone else and lived next door to him after settlement. Please Note: I do not believe in Karma! I'm not in favor of vengeful thoughts. It's unfortunate that he lost someone he was really fond of and I had to keep a distance from him when he started missing me. I felt disturbed if I went there so that was out of the question.
He walked with Jesus, the last few years of his life - he really repented to God AND US and acknowledged Mum as his real MRS when he stayed in hospital weeks before he went to his Savior in Heaven. Although I can't remember much I can respect him for, apart from the way he conducted himself with customers - he was very honest and interested in them - I do highly respect him for the genuineness of his Faith and Repentance (change of heart) including his family like that. Some don't - to me, that is half-hearted Repentance (they forget to make amends but many do).
SOME GOOD NEWS!
Felt like I struck Gold when I discovered the following on the Net last year and placed it immediately on one of my websites. I had a fun day planned and decided "Thank You Jesus, I want to Post this today, this can't wait!" I've felt such compassion for neglected kids for years!
So pleased to let you know there is a lady Clinical Psychologist in the USA who was making continual observations in patients from dysfunctional homes where their needs were being ignored. She discovered they had the same symptoms she was helping them with (they were affected in the same ways and trying to feel better about themselves and their lives - wanting to function better, so they could live better, fulfilling lives).
She started to be moved with extra Compassion for these people and desired to help them the absolute best she can and give them keys that would really work for them, to heal their morale and help them express affection because they were deeply concerned about that - it was a problem for them; their capacity to feel affection from others and show affection was not developed since a small age.
Her name is Dr. Jonice Webb, and thanks to Jesus, she has now pioneered a work for everyone who has experienced Parental Neglect.........these Innocent Children who had Unloving Parents. I bet they couldn't wait to leave home. A house is just a house unless you Make It A Home - that has always been my thoughts about the matter - how dare couples have children if they have no such intentions of LOVING THEM and LOOKING AFTER THEM. Most people have more respect for their pets!
I was a Single Mum and I showered my child with affection and looked after him well every day. Promised him a full Mother's time, the day he was born in preference to a working career or similar (you could do that in those days). Can you tell me how-come married couples so often these days who share the Joy of a child's birth, love them so much less!? I used to say to myself "So much for Marriage!" when I witnessed such things. I still do in a way because our children are the most precious Gifts we can have on this Earth. And furthermore, I do not subscribe to the Government's idea to pay people for having kids - the most outrageous thing the Government does here in Australia. A CHILD is Not a Source of Income. That's Reprehensible!!!
Jonice's Breakthough Discovery is referred to as CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) and she has a special Website for these Precious People. Yes, I am calling you PRECIOUS if you are one of them. This is Wonderful, that I found such a Page on the Net - I stopped my plans for the day and said "I am going to get this Good News out there on my Websites. Remembered it just now and decided to place it on Ours Autralia as well.
Jonice's Description Of Childhood Emotional Neglect Is:
A parent’s failure to respond enough to the child’s emotional needs. Emotional Neglect, in some ways, is the opposite of mistreatment and abuse. Whereas mistreatment and abuse are parental acts, Emotional Neglect is a parent’s failure to act. It’s a failure to notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to a child’s feelings. Children who are emotionally neglected then grow up to have a particular set of struggles. Because their emotions were not validated as children, they may have difficulty knowing and trusting their own emotions as adults. They may have difficulty understanding their own feelings, as well as others’. Because an important part of themselves (their emotional self) has been denied, they may find themselves feeling disconnected, unfulfilled or empty. They may have difficulty trusting or relying upon others. Many describe feeling that they are different from other people; like something is wrong with them, but they’re not sure what it is.
Jonice Writes
Emotion is the substance of all relationships. If you are not attending to your emotions, you are by-passing a vital source of connection and joy.
Emotional Intelligence has been proven to be more valuable to success in life and work than general intelligence. It’s extremely vital that you know how to name, use and manage emotion, as well as how to deal with it in others. People who received emotional validation from their parents as a child are generally able to provide it automatically to their own children. People who didn't receive it enough themselves will likely struggle to provide it as parents. It is vital to recognize what you didn't get yourself so that you can make conscious effort to learn the missing skills, fill your own blind spots, and give your children what you didn't get.
This factor from childhood is so subtle that it goes virtually unnoticed by everyone while it does its silent damage to people’s lives.
As I became aware of the full power and prevalence of Emotional Neglect, I felt compelled to bring it out of the darkness and into the light; to help people to see how it effects them, and to give them the tools to fix it.
My promise to you is that if you take this short questionnaire and follow my advice… recovering from CEN will become significantly easier.
Follow These 3 Steps To Even Up Your Relationships
1) Accept that your feelings, needs and wants do matter as much as anyone else’s. You must accept this fact before you can take your rightful place in your relationships.
2) Start paying attention to what you feel, need and want. Make lists on your phone or laptop or on a sheet of paper, and add a new item to each list every single day. You can’t speak up for yourself unless you know what to ask for.
3) Start making a conscious effort to be aware of your own needs and wants, and put them into words. When someone asks your opinion or preference, push yourself to offer one every single time. The more you do it, the easier it will become. The easier it becomes, the more you will be filling your own shoes, and taking up your fair space.
As a child, you were not asked what you wanted or needed or felt enough. As a Grown Up, you have not asked yourself what you wanted, needed or felt enough. And you have continued to neglect yourself.
I HOPE THIS PAGE BRINGS HOPE TO YOU. THE QUESTIONNAIRE IS FOUND HERE ON HER WEBSITE.